Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
