Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
This can only be settled by a dance off.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
