I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
