a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
