It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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