we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Let's get the cat blown out
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
