Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
