I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You're like the curious george of whores
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
