Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
