How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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