Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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