i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
