I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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