i think my mom watched the whole time
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
