Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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