I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I need to calm my uterus...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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