I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
