I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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