he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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