Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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