I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
