You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
