I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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