this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
