if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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