Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
