help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sorry about my life...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
