Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
