kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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