Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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