Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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