my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
