i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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