I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
