I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think weed is turning my hair brown
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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