i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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