i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
