So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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