Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize