Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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