grandma shit on top of the toilet
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
