Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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