My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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