I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
