no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
and she was petting her beer can
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
