You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
