I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
