Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
