i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
