Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
