I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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